I have been sick for a week now.. really sick. Throwing up, can't sleep, my body aches and I have to still work and be mommy.. Its hard. Sometimes I miss the freedom of not having attachments.. I know this is wrong, well it seems wrong. But I miss when I was just plain ole Sarhar.. no bodies mother, no ones girlfriend.. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted and do what I wanted. But then I look at my sweet son's face and I know how incrediably blessed I am.
I talk to my boyfriend on the phone and I know I am loved.. even when I want to strangle him. Its been hard being this far apart from him.. I am not used to living apart from a person I was dating.. but alas I am now.
Funny how distance either makes or breaks a relationship, and althougg he and I are far apart, we are getting closer, at least in our hearts. Last Thursday at 4am his mother had him rushed to the Emergency room.. I got the call and freaked out. Having just lost my mother, I am in a certain state of numbness still. The last couple of days that I have been sick have really made her loss all that more painful. When I am sick, I call my Mommy. Correction, called my Mommy. And she would baby me over the phone and by some weird osmosis, I was better. Now, I cant call my mother, I have to rely on my own sense of self and it breaks my heart. So I sit in my bed, listen to Suburbia from Matt Good, try to get energy to go online and read his blog.. I have no energy to even read, thats a damned sin. So I feel like shit, my son needs me and I have get out of bed to make sure he is okay. The EX is being a asshat, and I have to still work. Lovely. So I have no time to get better and my boyfriend is sicker then hell, turns out he has Gout.. lovely, so I cant get to him to take care of him, so his mother does what I should be doing and I have this enormous sense of guilt.. it sucks.. sucks bad. He is moving in the next 3 weeks to a new apartment, he may need to have some kind of surgery on his foot from all his stomping all over the stages he graces, he is a singer, a damn good one at that. But he is doing good now, dear reader, and thank you for caring.
So today is my " Matt Good lay in bed and cry day"...sometimes you just need to cry. And today I want to lay in bed and cry for my momma, cry for my Ben who is sick, cry for my soul which feels heavy today.. I feel like I got Hell at my back and if I went to sleep it would come with me, to haunt my sleep. Lovely, no?
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
When there is nothing to say..
What do you do when there is nothing to say?
I have been with my boyfriend since I split with my ex. Its been about a year. I love him, his name is Ben, and I really can't see myself with anyone but him, yes, its pretty serious. But he is a singer with issues. He used to be in a band in the 90's and they were signed to Island Records. After recording a 13 track cd their A&R guy, was fired from Island. Lovely. Well when a A&R gets canned, all of his projects get shelved. So there went his dreams of stardom. He never really got over this. He put his all in to the group and finally after 5 years of searching and getting out there, found a band of people who were a perfect mixture. His exgirlfriend being one of them. Now dont get me wrong when I say this.. but she was a real whore. She slept with everyone, his best friend included and had no problems flaunting that in his face. Now, I know that this is his issue, he knew she was a whore and thats why they broke up, but he loved her and probably still did to some extent when they were in the band together. Well anyways. She went her own way, but is still really good friend with him, although she is currently married to a girl named Jill. Seems she was gay the whole time she was with men, this happens sometimes, which is good for her, Jill is a nice girl. Cute too!
So fast forward from 94 to now 2008, 14 years later and he has started a new band and has been getting them all put together. Which is good.. He needs to be creative and this is what makes him happy. So by all means, do it. But he was supposed to move out here with me and my son this year. Then turns out, he signed a new lease for his apartment for 10 months and wont be moving out here at all, well not now anyways. So our long distance romance has been extended. Its hard being away from him.. I do love him. But when he talks about a future with me, I have to ask myself, where does your music, a job, a possiably highly successful band, and a family with me factor in with time? Because to be perfectly frank, dear reader, we speak everyday.. once in the morning for about 20-30 mins and throughout the day roughly 4-5times and once at night to say goodnight.. those talks are about 10mins if that..
Ben pours on love and intensity like a shock to your system. He completely swept me off of my feet and I know that term is common, but completely accurate in this case. We had been friends for a very long time and when I left my ex the first time, which lasted about 7 months, Ben and I talked.. alot. And after about 6 months of just talking we really knew we had real feelings for one another and before I knew it, I was in love with him. Well somethings happened with my ex and I and we got back together for a short time, we knew this was it and ended it. Friendly. Ben and I still hadnt decided to be together and then when it was final that my ex and I were not getting back together, Ben and I sealed the deal, so to speak.
And now...
Well, he is back to being a rock star and I am wondering where does a life with me fit in to his grand scheme of things?
I have been with my boyfriend since I split with my ex. Its been about a year. I love him, his name is Ben, and I really can't see myself with anyone but him, yes, its pretty serious. But he is a singer with issues. He used to be in a band in the 90's and they were signed to Island Records. After recording a 13 track cd their A&R guy, was fired from Island. Lovely. Well when a A&R gets canned, all of his projects get shelved. So there went his dreams of stardom. He never really got over this. He put his all in to the group and finally after 5 years of searching and getting out there, found a band of people who were a perfect mixture. His exgirlfriend being one of them. Now dont get me wrong when I say this.. but she was a real whore. She slept with everyone, his best friend included and had no problems flaunting that in his face. Now, I know that this is his issue, he knew she was a whore and thats why they broke up, but he loved her and probably still did to some extent when they were in the band together. Well anyways. She went her own way, but is still really good friend with him, although she is currently married to a girl named Jill. Seems she was gay the whole time she was with men, this happens sometimes, which is good for her, Jill is a nice girl. Cute too!
So fast forward from 94 to now 2008, 14 years later and he has started a new band and has been getting them all put together. Which is good.. He needs to be creative and this is what makes him happy. So by all means, do it. But he was supposed to move out here with me and my son this year. Then turns out, he signed a new lease for his apartment for 10 months and wont be moving out here at all, well not now anyways. So our long distance romance has been extended. Its hard being away from him.. I do love him. But when he talks about a future with me, I have to ask myself, where does your music, a job, a possiably highly successful band, and a family with me factor in with time? Because to be perfectly frank, dear reader, we speak everyday.. once in the morning for about 20-30 mins and throughout the day roughly 4-5times and once at night to say goodnight.. those talks are about 10mins if that..
Ben pours on love and intensity like a shock to your system. He completely swept me off of my feet and I know that term is common, but completely accurate in this case. We had been friends for a very long time and when I left my ex the first time, which lasted about 7 months, Ben and I talked.. alot. And after about 6 months of just talking we really knew we had real feelings for one another and before I knew it, I was in love with him. Well somethings happened with my ex and I and we got back together for a short time, we knew this was it and ended it. Friendly. Ben and I still hadnt decided to be together and then when it was final that my ex and I were not getting back together, Ben and I sealed the deal, so to speak.
And now...
Well, he is back to being a rock star and I am wondering where does a life with me fit in to his grand scheme of things?
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