I have been sick for a week now.. really sick. Throwing up, can't sleep, my body aches and I have to still work and be mommy.. Its hard. Sometimes I miss the freedom of not having attachments.. I know this is wrong, well it seems wrong. But I miss when I was just plain ole Sarhar.. no bodies mother, no ones girlfriend.. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted and do what I wanted. But then I look at my sweet son's face and I know how incrediably blessed I am.
I talk to my boyfriend on the phone and I know I am loved.. even when I want to strangle him. Its been hard being this far apart from him.. I am not used to living apart from a person I was dating.. but alas I am now.
Funny how distance either makes or breaks a relationship, and althougg he and I are far apart, we are getting closer, at least in our hearts. Last Thursday at 4am his mother had him rushed to the Emergency room.. I got the call and freaked out. Having just lost my mother, I am in a certain state of numbness still. The last couple of days that I have been sick have really made her loss all that more painful. When I am sick, I call my Mommy. Correction, called my Mommy. And she would baby me over the phone and by some weird osmosis, I was better. Now, I cant call my mother, I have to rely on my own sense of self and it breaks my heart. So I sit in my bed, listen to Suburbia from Matt Good, try to get energy to go online and read his blog.. I have no energy to even read, thats a damned sin. So I feel like shit, my son needs me and I have get out of bed to make sure he is okay. The EX is being a asshat, and I have to still work. Lovely. So I have no time to get better and my boyfriend is sicker then hell, turns out he has Gout.. lovely, so I cant get to him to take care of him, so his mother does what I should be doing and I have this enormous sense of guilt.. it sucks.. sucks bad. He is moving in the next 3 weeks to a new apartment, he may need to have some kind of surgery on his foot from all his stomping all over the stages he graces, he is a singer, a damn good one at that. But he is doing good now, dear reader, and thank you for caring.
So today is my " Matt Good lay in bed and cry day"...sometimes you just need to cry. And today I want to lay in bed and cry for my momma, cry for my Ben who is sick, cry for my soul which feels heavy today.. I feel like I got Hell at my back and if I went to sleep it would come with me, to haunt my sleep. Lovely, no?
