Th Glorifcation of Celebrites

I am a fan of many famous people. I love Miles Davis, Julia Stiles, Matt Damon ( who is way hot in the Bourne movies) Matt Dillion etc.. But I dont understand the need to *stalk* them. Why do we spend hours and hours watching entertainment TV, that is ear marked as Celeb News? Why do we buy the trash rags that hire stalkerazzi, who contribute so much to the angst with these *famous* people? Why? Cause we enjoy watching people decline.. we love to see them rise like a rocket and crash harder then a sumo wrestler. I don't understand it.. then again I do. I often think that the media feeds us BS TV so they can dumb us down.. if you dumb us down then you can control us. And I then think to myself: Sarhari, that line from Tom Sawyer from Rush, suits you. That line being: His mind is not for rent, to any God or government. It sounds very conspiracy theory, but think of it like this...If the TV can control our younger generations then we have a group of people that can be controlled later on. If you ask a average 14 year old who the canidates are and you will more then likely get a blank stare. That stare speaks volumes to our state of the union. I dont hear Mr President talking about that...why is that? If you can make us unable to speak to our current state of affairs world wide and domestically then you have a nation of youth that you can pollute with your brand of propoganda. These youth will grow up, hopefully with more sense, to be our future leaders of America. Wow.. a nation of Paris Hilton Pop Quiz winners to lead the free world.. how fucking scarey is that?!

Now when I was a teenager, in the oh so distant past, I had my fair share of teen crushes on stars.. but I was lucky enough to have parents who really enlightened me to the brighter side of things.. We sat and watched the Iran Contra Scandel on TV, everyday. My mother and father made me watch the debates.. and when I got older said no to cheerleading in the last two years of High School, so I could be in debate club. I orignally wanted to be a child advocate lawyer.. and somewhere that dream turned into a activisim one. I participate in RAINN with there crisis line and find it remarkable when we go and leacture at schools, most children ( girls in particular ) who had no idea what we are..and what we represent. Again, sad.

I could give a damn about whether or not Britney Spears has a nervous breakdown. I dont care that Paris had to go to jail. I dont care whether or not a star OD's or dies of natural causes.. Now dont get me wrong, all of those things are sad to a extent, but do they really contribute to whether or not my world continues? No. What I do care about is how we glorify certain behaviours and watch TV shows that are full of media blitz. You cant find a show on TV today that actually stands for anything. Whatever happened to the days of Leave it To Beaver? Where family values were things to be striving for? Where morality was something that was to be proud of? Now, well.. you have Rock of Love 2, where girls vie for the love and affection of a washed up rock star.. where they subject themselves to the spotlight, if only for a shot at stardom.. and until they are voted off, they are household names. Ask one of those girls about string theory.. maybe some can speak to it.. ask one of them to name all the Presidents, I doubt you will get a acurate answer.. Does this mean I am jealous? Hell no.. I have a man.. a beautiful one.. Who loves the fact that I find late night conversations about the Theory Schroedingers Cat, awe inspiring. The fact that I find Brian Greene authour of: A Elegant Universe , to be beautiful and extremely tantilizing. I find Stephen Hawking to be yummy.. in the intellectual way. Dr Sahi Hawass, is a Egyptologist. He is the head of the Ancient Egyptian archives at Cairo muesum. He is a inspiration to me.. I wanted to be a archeologist because of him. These are people that I find fascinating, not Paris Hilton..does that make me better then some others? No, but it does speak volumes about what I demand to be mentaly stimulated.

In the end, I guess what I am trying to say dear reader is this...where are we heading in this world when we make icons of people who have no real world representation? What can these current celebs offer our youth? And what are we as people saying when we spend countless hours in front a flat screen with nothing coming out of it other then the lastest gossip? When did we stop caring about what went into our brain as well as our bodies? When does starving yourself to fit into that size 2 become more important then being healthy?

When you have young girls who starve themselves so they can look like the next Victoria Secret Model..instead of learning that they are beautiful as they are. Nothing wrong with being skinny as long as its a healthy skinny..ya know? Some of us will never be a size 2 or 6.. some of us are born a size 8 or 12 or even 20. Beauty is never determined by what your face says alone.. if you open your mouth and ugly comes flying out then what does that say about your outer beauty? Not a damned thing.

Very Proud!!!

Well today, as some of our Canadian friends know, the Juno's nominess where anounced! ( Come on America!!!!! Get with it!!! )

As a very proud fan of Matthew Good, and with a huge lump in my throat I am proud to say that he has been nominated for a Juno for best Rock Album.

As many of you know, this was a very personal album for him to record, having dealt with a horrid life altering divorce and a mental breakdown/breakthrough he has recorded, what I believe to be, a very introspective album..one that has seen me through some incrediably dark times this last six months.

For whats it worth, and I do not know him personally:

Congratulations, what a awesome recognition to your triumphs this last year and half.. your awesome Matt!!! Your a shining light it what has become a industry plagued with bullshit lyrics and cheap knock off riffs. Your a certain form of perfection that is not perfect at all. And for that your unique, beautiful and welcome in my home anytime!!

Hells coming with me...

I have been sick for a week now.. really sick. Throwing up, can't sleep, my body aches and I have to still work and be mommy.. Its hard. Sometimes I miss the freedom of not having attachments.. I know this is wrong, well it seems wrong. But I miss when I was just plain ole Sarhar.. no bodies mother, no ones girlfriend.. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted and do what I wanted. But then I look at my sweet son's face and I know how incrediably blessed I am.
I talk to my boyfriend on the phone and I know I am loved.. even when I want to strangle him. Its been hard being this far apart from him.. I am not used to living apart from a person I was dating.. but alas I am now.

Funny how distance either makes or breaks a relationship, and althougg he and I are far apart, we are getting closer, at least in our hearts. Last Thursday at 4am his mother had him rushed to the Emergency room.. I got the call and freaked out. Having just lost my mother, I am in a certain state of numbness still. The last couple of days that I have been sick have really made her loss all that more painful. When I am sick, I call my Mommy. Correction, called my Mommy. And she would baby me over the phone and by some weird osmosis, I was better. Now, I cant call my mother, I have to rely on my own sense of self and it breaks my heart. So I sit in my bed, listen to Suburbia from Matt Good, try to get energy to go online and read his blog.. I have no energy to even read, thats a damned sin. So I feel like shit, my son needs me and I have get out of bed to make sure he is okay. The EX is being a asshat, and I have to still work. Lovely. So I have no time to get better and my boyfriend is sicker then hell, turns out he has Gout.. lovely, so I cant get to him to take care of him, so his mother does what I should be doing and I have this enormous sense of guilt.. it sucks.. sucks bad. He is moving in the next 3 weeks to a new apartment, he may need to have some kind of surgery on his foot from all his stomping all over the stages he graces, he is a singer, a damn good one at that. But he is doing good now, dear reader, and thank you for caring.

So today is my " Matt Good lay in bed and cry day"...sometimes you just need to cry. And today I want to lay in bed and cry for my momma, cry for my Ben who is sick, cry for my soul which feels heavy today.. I feel like I got Hell at my back and if I went to sleep it would come with me, to haunt my sleep. Lovely, no?

When there is nothing to say..

What do you do when there is nothing to say?

I have been with my boyfriend since I split with my ex. Its been about a year. I love him, his name is Ben, and I really can't see myself with anyone but him, yes, its pretty serious. But he is a singer with issues. He used to be in a band in the 90's and they were signed to Island Records. After recording a 13 track cd their A&R guy, was fired from Island. Lovely. Well when a A&R gets canned, all of his projects get shelved. So there went his dreams of stardom. He never really got over this. He put his all in to the group and finally after 5 years of searching and getting out there, found a band of people who were a perfect mixture. His exgirlfriend being one of them. Now dont get me wrong when I say this.. but she was a real whore. She slept with everyone, his best friend included and had no problems flaunting that in his face. Now, I know that this is his issue, he knew she was a whore and thats why they broke up, but he loved her and probably still did to some extent when they were in the band together. Well anyways. She went her own way, but is still really good friend with him, although she is currently married to a girl named Jill. Seems she was gay the whole time she was with men, this happens sometimes, which is good for her, Jill is a nice girl. Cute too!

So fast forward from 94 to now 2008, 14 years later and he has started a new band and has been getting them all put together. Which is good.. He needs to be creative and this is what makes him happy. So by all means, do it. But he was supposed to move out here with me and my son this year. Then turns out, he signed a new lease for his apartment for 10 months and wont be moving out here at all, well not now anyways. So our long distance romance has been extended. Its hard being away from him.. I do love him. But when he talks about a future with me, I have to ask myself, where does your music, a job, a possiably highly successful band, and a family with me factor in with time? Because to be perfectly frank, dear reader, we speak everyday.. once in the morning for about 20-30 mins and throughout the day roughly 4-5times and once at night to say goodnight.. those talks are about 10mins if that..

Ben pours on love and intensity like a shock to your system. He completely swept me off of my feet and I know that term is common, but completely accurate in this case. We had been friends for a very long time and when I left my ex the first time, which lasted about 7 months, Ben and I talked.. alot. And after about 6 months of just talking we really knew we had real feelings for one another and before I knew it, I was in love with him. Well somethings happened with my ex and I and we got back together for a short time, we knew this was it and ended it. Friendly. Ben and I still hadnt decided to be together and then when it was final that my ex and I were not getting back together, Ben and I sealed the deal, so to speak.

And now...

Well, he is back to being a rock star and I am wondering where does a life with me fit in to his grand scheme of things?

WTF?

Alright, so I got home yesterday and was expected back into work this coming Monday. Well I got a call late afternoon and was asked to call work when I got in. I have no idea who told my boss that I was coming back on Friday, but when I say I am going to be available for Monday, that doesn't mean you can call my house and EXPECT a call back right away. Well unbeknownst to myself, I was placed on MOD rotation at work for Saturday/Sunday. Now for all those that dont know what a MOD is, well its a Manager On Duty. Which means I am at the mercy of a phone and common sense. Well in most cases where I work at, the Phone is my friend.. Common Sense, not so much. So here is what happened...

Saturday 6am:
Boss calls: Can you come into work a little early?
Me: How early is early?
Boss: Well can you come in at 9pm?
Me: My son is being picked up by his Dad at 10, so no.
Boss: Is there any way that I can have you come into work, and bring your son till your ex can come get him?
Me: No. I will be there at 9. I am DOING you a favor by even coming in at all this weekened.. I am not even supposed to be back till Monday.
Boss: I know and I am sorry that we had to do this.
Me: You are? What would have happened had I said "no" to you about tonight?
Boss: Then we would seriously think about your future with our company.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? My mother just died. I am still, by company policy, on LEAVE!!!! But out of the goodness of my heart, I came in. I needed the break. My son needed to be with me, and, I needed to be with him, but I also have bills to pay. And my Ex, who is a kick ass father and friend ( when he wants to be ), was cool with keeping our son for one more night.

So I get to work, and Common Sense my friend, and all hell breaks loose. More on that tomorrow. I have to get some paperwork done and tomorrow is a new day.

The Funeral of Debra Atia Lynn

Born: January 3rd at 202am in Sheffeild, England 1951.
Died: January 18th at 323am in Hayward, California 2008 of breast cancer.

My mother had her mass yesterday at 1130am ( monday) at St. Mary of the Assumption in San Francisco.. Her mass was very beautiful and I had to haggle with the church to have certain music played.

As people were walking into the Church, you could hear Odette playing, softly, in the background. And after the mass was done, you heard The Boy Comes Home, played louder. Its was my mothers wish. Her mass was not filled with pomp and circumstance, just a few people spoke and recited their favorite passages from the Bible. I took a note from her and read it out loud. Here is that note:

Sarhari(my nicname),Michael and Albert,

A lot has happened in the last few months that your not going to understand. One of them being that I have decided to not seek treatment for this. The cancer came back and is riddled throughout my body and Dr. Safi doesnt think that there is anything that can be done other then live, be comfortable and prepare myself for death. In the time that you will find out, it will be too late and that was my wish. I know how hard headed you are and that you will worry yourself sick with this. Dont do that to yourself, your heart needs the break from the worring.

Please understand that I am not giving up, but have decided to pass away with the one thing that I can control with my health, and thats the choice to pass on my own terms, in my home with the ones I love ,with me. There is grace and winning in that. Please try to see it that way. I dont know what else to say about all of this, but that its my choice.

I want you to know how proud I am of you and your brother. You both have been wonderful children and have done right in your lives. There have been times that I wanted to strangle the both of you, but i'm glad that I didn't. ( at this I laughed cause she could have )

Please live your lives to the fullest knowing that you were loved beyond measure. I have not always done the things that you would understand, but as parents you both will see that I did what I had to do with what I had. Life has not been easy for any of our family, but we pulled through, cause we loved one another immensly. Please always remember that.

So in ending, and this no ending but a new begining, remember that I love you and that I am watching you. So dont be stupid or once the day comes we meet again, I will smack you silly. ( I laughed at this )

Please look after Albert, he will need you now, like you needed him when you two were growing up. Honor him as you have and remember he is your family, always.

Albert: Thank you for everything that you have given to my family. Your a blessing to us all and I thankful for every moment that we shared. Know that I love you and will always look over you.

I love you with all of my soul~ Mommy ( Atia ).

And I added to her vocally: Momma, I promise to always carry myself in your absence as I did in your presence and IF I am bad, turn the light on for me.

*****

That dear reader was my mother in a nutshell. Beautiful, funnier then hell, fiestier then a pit bull and had a heart of gold that was limitless. The women who took in a "homeless man" the woman who had a wild heart and a wild love affair with my Daddy, one withstood the test of her limited time, with grace, truth and a beautiful heart.

My Mother is my Hero..

Tu bisard doste dardi, Mother-jaan, tu bisard.

Sibel Edmonds: A real patriot.

Today on Matthew Good's blog, link on the right, he posted a blog about Sibel Edmonds. She is a whistle blower, blowing one of the biggest whistles in the history of the United States as far as I am concerned. In his blog he provided a link to a documentary, Kill the Messenger: Sibel Edmonds, this can be found on google videos. Now I don't go to google normally cause they do human date mining.. but for this particular item I did, Matt rarely would send something our unless it was very news worthy, in fact Matt didn't really say much on the blog, but his lack of words were volumes of tomes to me. He is often one of many words, full of wisdom, and in this situation to see that he let the documentary speak for itself, well.. That's a lot.

So I advise checking it out..

here is it as read from Matthewgood.org


Matthew Good / January 22nd, 2008
Sibel Edmonds: Kill The Messenger
Click here to watch the documentary “Kill The Messenger” about the Sibel Edmonds affair. I highly recommend that you find some time today, or over the next few days, to watch this crucial film. The information provided in it is extremely important, so if you have a blog, or an email list that you use to send group emails to friends, please help spread the link.
More on the documentary here.

( thanks Kristy for the idea to just copy and paste.. so much easier then hyperlinking it )

Its worth the 52 mins of your life.. She is a true patriot.

~Sarhar

Albert, my *Uncle*, my guardian angel.

Albert was a man who fell on hard times when he came home from Vietnam. His wife had left him for another man, the child that he thought was his wasn't. His country hated him, called him a baby killer..it was tough. So like any other person who is depressed, he turned to drugs and drink. Drank himself right into jail and thats where we come in. As part of his probation, he had to go get methadone treatment for his drug habit and attend AA. Well on a friday afternoon in Novemeber of '83 I was walking from a friends house, I was dropping of her school work-she had been sick, I was pulled into a alley way next a half a block from a methadone clinic and was violently raped and stabbed. I was left for dead and would have died if it had not been for Albert. He heard me crying at the opening of this alleyway , saw that I was bleeding and hurt... I dont remember much after he asked me my name, but I do know he left me for a few minutes went back to the clinic and had them call a ambulance. I do remember the visit with the police that followed. In San Francisco when you recieve methadone treatments you have to register with the clinic and have proper ID, that way you dont go to another clinic and get more methadone, it prevents OD's or the ability to take it and sell it on the street. Well Albert stayed with me till the ambulance came and the police showed.. they actually took him in for questioning and tried to get him to confess to my rape and stabbing. Now, as this was going on, I was in ICU and healing from the surgery that took my left ovary out,my rapist stabbed me so deeply that he actually pierced it. He sodomized me so brutally that I had seven stitches in my rectum and orally sodomized me so brutally that I had not been able to really speak, I could write but not speak. He punched me in the face which left the left orbital bone fracutred, which was causing me severe pain in the forehead ( and from time to time, still does) and I recieved a concussion as well from him slamming my head into the dumpster a few times. I dont remember all of that.. I hardly remember much from that day, if it was by devine grace alone, I have no idea, but I dont remember much.



A month after I was let go from the hospital I was asked to go into the station to give my report to the police, which I did. They gave me a few pictures to look through and Alberts was one of them. I remember clearly looking at the Detective and telling him that this was the man THAT saved me, not raped me. He tried his damnedest to get me to say that Albert was the one who did this, easier to blame a homeless man with a addiction then the man who did it, right? Not with me it wasn't. My Momma raised me better then that. Well finally they understood that I wasn't caving on this and decided to look for the man that Albert described as being in the neighborhood that day.. the man was a average look guy, he wore a sweat suit and drove a normal car.. I believe the car was a Dodge Dart..normal. Well they finally after a month or so arrested this man that had been caught masturbating outside this daycare school yard and he fit the description that Albert gave, they called me in again, and I identified the man. He went to trial and was let acquitted for my rape and attempted murder, but was convicted on the lew conduct charges for the daycare. This is something I should be happy about, but as you can guess I wasn't. During this time, it was when my mother and dad were finally able to met with Albert and asked him to move in with them. He became a family memeber and my Gaurdian angel. When I attempted suicide at 14 it was Albert who saved my life again, he had called a ambulance and told them what I did. The rape had left me scarred in ways that to this day, I dont fully understand. But thats another story, my mental demons that is.



So during all this time, he has lived with my Momma and brother, and was by my side when my Mother passed away. He is going to move where ever my brother goes and is a good man. My son's Godfather, my Uncle, my bestfriend and my life saver..



I love you, Albert... your an angel.

Sorting through the memories..

I woke up this morning around 6am east coast time, that's where I live and have been trying to keep my internal clock normal, since I don't adjust to time changes well. I decided to start going through some of my mothers stuff. This was hard to do but I really needed to get this done, so I got some coffee and sat in the middle of her room and looked at all this stuff...my mother was a avid collector of masks.. She had a whole wall that was devoted to the ones from all of the world. My Grandfather was in the Army and traveled a lot during his time, well he used to bring one back to her from every country that he went to. So by the age of 57, you can understand that she had a rather large collection. And then there are her books.. She was a fan of romance novels.. I don't understand how she could spend and entire day in bed, crying and reading said love stories.. I find them to be very unrealistic, but I am the forever optimist ( well not always ). Anyways, she also read a lot of books on Quantum Physics.. she was a biochemical researcher for her career and enjoyed it immensely. She suffered from acute asthma. After 10 or so years my mother had to stop working in the lab for health reasons ( she had ovarian cancer ) and moved to the actual supervision of the department that oversaw the package of anti venins and other vials that were to be shipped to hospitals and labs throughout the states and abroad. She loved this job immensely as well,.it gave her a different avenue to per sue when her body seemed to be revolting against her.

From the time she was a small child she was sickly. She was born premature and nearly died then. But thanks to the love and knowledge of my grandmother, who was a nurse, she lived! But you the reader can garner that, cause I was born. When my Grandfathers time to retire in the Army came, he moved my Mother, 2 Aunts and Uncle from Sheffield England to Wichita Kansas. Later they moved all over Kansas, but they spent a long time here. This is where she was exposed to a bacteria that would infiltrate her lungs and would cause most of her health problems. Aspergalosis. Its a bacteria that is caused by pesticides that are sprayed onto crops.. my Grandfather was a farmer after his retirement and grew all sorts of veggies and fruits on their farm.

(Well I have no idea where I was going with all of that, but just to I guess talk about her? I have a tendency to go off on a tangent when I am not being careful with my thoughts, I do apologize to you reader.)

So as I was going through her things I started with pictures.. I put all the ones that I knew were originals in a box to take to a lab to have them duplicated for my brother. Those were some of the nicest pics of my mother and I have that I have seen.. Pics of me when she came to visit in Tehran, pics of my mom and dad together.. her pregnant with me and with my brother. I have to wait to get home to scan them.. but she was a radiant pregnant woman, despite the morning sickness I caused her. This of course made me cry.. but good tears.

Then it was onto her jewelry, which I am going to take to a appraiser ( as was her request ) she wanted me to divide it between my brother and I, her wedding ring/engagement ring to my brothers father is going to be his, as was the rings my father gave her during their time together, go to me etc.. I honestly don't want anything but the ring that I gave her for her 50th birthday. It was a ring I had made of her, mine and my brothers birthstone. She loved this ring and wore it everyday till she started to lose all this weight. Then she wore it around her neck on a chain. I wanted to size it down for her, but she wouldn't let me.. Said that she would be able to wear it again. She also wanted to make sure that after the wake was over, that her head be shaved and the hair donated to Locks of Love.. she didn't even bother going with treatment this time, so she had all of her beautiful hair..long blondish and curly.. her hair had been straight all of her life till she had treatment for breast cancer the first time. Then it grew back more wild then before and she loved it. So off it will go to the Locks of Love..

I decided to take a break from all of the sorting and try to eat something. There is a enormous amount of food downstairs and I have to do something with that as well. I could take it to the local shelter.. or the fire department down the street.. or just freeze it for Michael. He wont want to eat I am sure, so I am going to ask him.. but for now I need to try to eat, I am all about losing a few pounds here and there, but not like this..

So I in ending..
I am doing okay today. I am trying to get my head together and I still have to wait for the medical supply company to come get the bed and machinery. I put a screen over the entry way to the den area, its hard to look at the empty bed..I miss her a lot. And I am sure I am going to cry more throughout the day, but it helps to know that she is somewhere where there is no pain..and that she is looking down and smiling. I think Mike is going to sell the house and move out here to live near me.. My mother did leave me 50% of the house, but I am going to give it to Mike, he lived there with her long after I left.. so its his. All I want are pictures.

Being me...

Needless to say that the last 24 hours have been a real blur.

Today, very early, I woke up, despite the fact that I consumed a nice sleeping pill and a glass of scotch with my brother. We sat and talked about Momma for a few hours, he got wasted, and I listened. Its really odd when you see people decide to come around you when someone dies.
People that have not had anything to do with my mother since my stepdad and her divorced over a decade ago, all of sudden want to come and share their *pain* with the whole lot of people who seem to clog every quiet place in your home. My mother would have beat the hell out of half of em.. she was a feisty women. I equate them like ants... they are only there to absorb the attention.

" Oh, I was Atia's sister in law. Yes, she was a wonderful woman, my heart is just breaking."

" Atti was a wonderful cook, she taught me the most wonderful recipes!"

All the time I am trying hard not to beat the shit out of people. Half of them only came cause of the free food and drinks that my dad had catered. The other part, maybe about 15 of them, were really close friends of my mothers. Those that I cant stand, my fathers (step) family really just pissed me off.. They came and looked at the bed she died in, like it was the Hope Diamond, and all the while I am just trying to find a *quiet* place to cry. So I finnaly lost it.

I screamed at the top of my lungs to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE!!!
And it felt good. I pointed at the "sistersinlaws" who scathed my mother in life and NOW decide that she was this wonderful woman. And yelled my questions to them .. WHERE the fuck were you when Wayne cheated on my mother, not once, but TWICE? Where were you when I was raped and afraid and alone? Where were you when my mother and Wayne divorced? Where were you when Christmas after Christmas passed and no card, not a damned thing? Where? You were sitting at home talking shit.. thats where you were. Damned vulutres.

My mothers sisters.. dont get me started on them. What is funny, well not so funny are the asshats who come out of the woodwork, in your family, claiming this undying love for the ones who passed when most of them are full of plain ole shit..They are looking for handmedowns, as is the case with my aunt. I try not to judge.. I try to be a good person and with all that crap that I have dealt with in my life, I think that being a example of grace is what is really needing with the lack of it nowadays.. but I think I am entitled to just break down and really give the ones who deserve my wrath, all of it.

So Mommy, I am sorry. I know that I wanted to make this a celebration of your life, but to be honest I can't celebrate the death of the one person who really loved me, stood by me and understood me.

My mother used to sing this to me during the hardest times in my life...after I was raped, I had horrid nightmares, she would come in and sing this to me, while she brushed the hair from my face..So Momma, although I remembering singing this to you our last night together, I promise to always sing this to my son:


Stevie Nicks - Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You lyrics

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In all your darkest hours
Have you ever heard me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know

Has anyone ever given anything to you
In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I haveI have given that to you
If it's all I ever do
This is your song

And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In your darkest sorrow
Did you ever hear me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know
So, if not for me, then
Do it for yourself
If not for me then
Do it for the world

Poet...priest of nothing
Poet...priest of nothing

Caterpillar to Butterfly, fly away.

Early this morning at 323am, my beautiful mother, Debra Atia Lynn, passed from breast cancer.

Although we all knew that this day was coming, I did not expect it to be so fast. Her breathing had started to labor earlier that night and the nurse told us that this was a sign of passing. I knew this already and just steeled myself, if you will for what was to come next. I made the calls I needed to make and waited by her side. Her grip that was tight in the beginning of the night started to get weaker. My brother's head on my lap, much like he used to do when he was little and scared, I holding her hand, my beautiful Mother gave one last breath and slipped into Heaven.

To my mother:

All that I am, all that I have ever been, all that I will be was because of your love and grace. I know that you are above me, smiling and knowing that I will be okay, but for now, I am going to be selfish and just cry a little more for you. But know this: I will always carry myself in your absences as I did in your presence. I love you and I miss you already. The world just seems a whole lot dimmer now that you are gone.

Tu bisard doste dardi, Mother-jaan, bisard.

Momma, the letting go hurts...

These last few days have been hard. Making funeral arrangements for a person who isnt dead is hard. Especially when they are your Mother.

My Momma is 57, beautiful and has a mad crush on Matt Good..can you believe that?

My Momma also has terminal breast cancer and will pass away in less then 3 months, the doctors say. She had it almost 4 years ago, in June, and survived it. But this time, its too late. It has spread all over most of her body and she is very sick. Despite all of this, she is happy. She air guitars to Mr. Good's music and talks about her greatest loves, her darkest days and her dreams that never were able to come true and speaks with a sense of awe.

Today we sat in her room, which was the den that has been converted, and talked while I im'd with some new friends.. *loves you all* She was listening to music, most of which is Matt's cause that is what is in my IPOD atm.. and she has stolen it from me. *laughs* She was watching me as I talked to my new friend Kristy about her hearts desire, how at one point I cried for her during this talk. My mother was very still and her voice calm as she said " I am very proud of you. Your a good friend." Then she proceeded to air guitar to Weapon. About a hour or so later, she stopped the IPOD and said to me: I want The Boy Comes Home as the song you will play at my funeral. Now to those that have never heard his music, Matthew Good, then I give some very strong advice, go youtube him and you will see. He is a amazing and very well spoken. His music carries a commanlity that we all can relate to, on some level. For her, this song is about going home.. for her home is Heaven. She has accepted her death and is going towards it with a very measured grace. She had the urge to fight it...but the cancer is bad and causes her a lot pain. So she decided for her own sanity to not get treatment this time. Said she had lived her life and is happy with what has happened. And I sit and write this, I cry. I cry for the beautiful woman who has decided to just embrace the will of God. Even if I dont understand, I respect it.

We hold onto things for such selfish reasons.. we try to change others to suit our will. We change our hair to make ourselves more attractive.. We lose weight cause others think, in our minds, that we are chubby.. etc. But never do we really just let go.