Needless to say that the last 24 hours have been a real blur.
Today, very early, I woke up, despite the fact that I consumed a nice sleeping pill and a glass of scotch with my brother. We sat and talked about Momma for a few hours, he got wasted, and I listened. Its really odd when you see people decide to come around you when someone dies.
People that have not had anything to do with my mother since my stepdad and her divorced over a decade ago, all of sudden want to come and share their *pain* with the whole lot of people who seem to clog every quiet place in your home. My mother would have beat the hell out of half of em.. she was a feisty women. I equate them like ants... they are only there to absorb the attention.
" Oh, I was Atia's sister in law. Yes, she was a wonderful woman, my heart is just breaking."
" Atti was a wonderful cook, she taught me the most wonderful recipes!"
All the time I am trying hard not to beat the shit out of people. Half of them only came cause of the free food and drinks that my dad had catered. The other part, maybe about 15 of them, were really close friends of my mothers. Those that I cant stand, my fathers (step) family really just pissed me off.. They came and looked at the bed she died in, like it was the Hope Diamond, and all the while I am just trying to find a *quiet* place to cry. So I finnaly lost it.
I screamed at the top of my lungs to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE!!!
And it felt good. I pointed at the "sistersinlaws" who scathed my mother in life and NOW decide that she was this wonderful woman. And yelled my questions to them .. WHERE the fuck were you when Wayne cheated on my mother, not once, but TWICE? Where were you when I was raped and afraid and alone? Where were you when my mother and Wayne divorced? Where were you when Christmas after Christmas passed and no card, not a damned thing? Where? You were sitting at home talking shit.. thats where you were. Damned vulutres.
My mothers sisters.. dont get me started on them. What is funny, well not so funny are the asshats who come out of the woodwork, in your family, claiming this undying love for the ones who passed when most of them are full of plain ole shit..They are looking for handmedowns, as is the case with my aunt. I try not to judge.. I try to be a good person and with all that crap that I have dealt with in my life, I think that being a example of grace is what is really needing with the lack of it nowadays.. but I think I am entitled to just break down and really give the ones who deserve my wrath, all of it.
So Mommy, I am sorry. I know that I wanted to make this a celebration of your life, but to be honest I can't celebrate the death of the one person who really loved me, stood by me and understood me.
My mother used to sing this to me during the hardest times in my life...after I was raped, I had horrid nightmares, she would come in and sing this to me, while she brushed the hair from my face..So Momma, although I remembering singing this to you our last night together, I promise to always sing this to my son:
Stevie Nicks - Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You lyrics
Has anyone ever written anything for you
In all your darkest hours
Have you ever heard me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know
Has anyone ever given anything to you
In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I haveI have given that to you
If it's all I ever do
This is your song
And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world
Has anyone ever written anything for you
In your darkest sorrow
Did you ever hear me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know
So, if not for me, then
Do it for yourself
If not for me then
Do it for the world
Poet...priest of nothing
Poet...priest of nothing
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Caterpillar to Butterfly, fly away.
Early this morning at 323am, my beautiful mother, Debra Atia Lynn, passed from breast cancer.
Although we all knew that this day was coming, I did not expect it to be so fast. Her breathing had started to labor earlier that night and the nurse told us that this was a sign of passing. I knew this already and just steeled myself, if you will for what was to come next. I made the calls I needed to make and waited by her side. Her grip that was tight in the beginning of the night started to get weaker. My brother's head on my lap, much like he used to do when he was little and scared, I holding her hand, my beautiful Mother gave one last breath and slipped into Heaven.
To my mother:
All that I am, all that I have ever been, all that I will be was because of your love and grace. I know that you are above me, smiling and knowing that I will be okay, but for now, I am going to be selfish and just cry a little more for you. But know this: I will always carry myself in your absences as I did in your presence. I love you and I miss you already. The world just seems a whole lot dimmer now that you are gone.
Tu bisard doste dardi, Mother-jaan, bisard.
Although we all knew that this day was coming, I did not expect it to be so fast. Her breathing had started to labor earlier that night and the nurse told us that this was a sign of passing. I knew this already and just steeled myself, if you will for what was to come next. I made the calls I needed to make and waited by her side. Her grip that was tight in the beginning of the night started to get weaker. My brother's head on my lap, much like he used to do when he was little and scared, I holding her hand, my beautiful Mother gave one last breath and slipped into Heaven.
To my mother:
All that I am, all that I have ever been, all that I will be was because of your love and grace. I know that you are above me, smiling and knowing that I will be okay, but for now, I am going to be selfish and just cry a little more for you. But know this: I will always carry myself in your absences as I did in your presence. I love you and I miss you already. The world just seems a whole lot dimmer now that you are gone.
Tu bisard doste dardi, Mother-jaan, bisard.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Momma, the letting go hurts...
These last few days have been hard. Making funeral arrangements for a person who isnt dead is hard. Especially when they are your Mother.
My Momma is 57, beautiful and has a mad crush on Matt Good..can you believe that?
My Momma also has terminal breast cancer and will pass away in less then 3 months, the doctors say. She had it almost 4 years ago, in June, and survived it. But this time, its too late. It has spread all over most of her body and she is very sick. Despite all of this, she is happy. She air guitars to Mr. Good's music and talks about her greatest loves, her darkest days and her dreams that never were able to come true and speaks with a sense of awe.
Today we sat in her room, which was the den that has been converted, and talked while I im'd with some new friends.. *loves you all* She was listening to music, most of which is Matt's cause that is what is in my IPOD atm.. and she has stolen it from me. *laughs* She was watching me as I talked to my new friend Kristy about her hearts desire, how at one point I cried for her during this talk. My mother was very still and her voice calm as she said " I am very proud of you. Your a good friend." Then she proceeded to air guitar to Weapon. About a hour or so later, she stopped the IPOD and said to me: I want The Boy Comes Home as the song you will play at my funeral. Now to those that have never heard his music, Matthew Good, then I give some very strong advice, go youtube him and you will see. He is a amazing and very well spoken. His music carries a commanlity that we all can relate to, on some level. For her, this song is about going home.. for her home is Heaven. She has accepted her death and is going towards it with a very measured grace. She had the urge to fight it...but the cancer is bad and causes her a lot pain. So she decided for her own sanity to not get treatment this time. Said she had lived her life and is happy with what has happened. And I sit and write this, I cry. I cry for the beautiful woman who has decided to just embrace the will of God. Even if I dont understand, I respect it.
We hold onto things for such selfish reasons.. we try to change others to suit our will. We change our hair to make ourselves more attractive.. We lose weight cause others think, in our minds, that we are chubby.. etc. But never do we really just let go.
My Momma is 57, beautiful and has a mad crush on Matt Good..can you believe that?
My Momma also has terminal breast cancer and will pass away in less then 3 months, the doctors say. She had it almost 4 years ago, in June, and survived it. But this time, its too late. It has spread all over most of her body and she is very sick. Despite all of this, she is happy. She air guitars to Mr. Good's music and talks about her greatest loves, her darkest days and her dreams that never were able to come true and speaks with a sense of awe.
Today we sat in her room, which was the den that has been converted, and talked while I im'd with some new friends.. *loves you all* She was listening to music, most of which is Matt's cause that is what is in my IPOD atm.. and she has stolen it from me. *laughs* She was watching me as I talked to my new friend Kristy about her hearts desire, how at one point I cried for her during this talk. My mother was very still and her voice calm as she said " I am very proud of you. Your a good friend." Then she proceeded to air guitar to Weapon. About a hour or so later, she stopped the IPOD and said to me: I want The Boy Comes Home as the song you will play at my funeral. Now to those that have never heard his music, Matthew Good, then I give some very strong advice, go youtube him and you will see. He is a amazing and very well spoken. His music carries a commanlity that we all can relate to, on some level. For her, this song is about going home.. for her home is Heaven. She has accepted her death and is going towards it with a very measured grace. She had the urge to fight it...but the cancer is bad and causes her a lot pain. So she decided for her own sanity to not get treatment this time. Said she had lived her life and is happy with what has happened. And I sit and write this, I cry. I cry for the beautiful woman who has decided to just embrace the will of God. Even if I dont understand, I respect it.
We hold onto things for such selfish reasons.. we try to change others to suit our will. We change our hair to make ourselves more attractive.. We lose weight cause others think, in our minds, that we are chubby.. etc. But never do we really just let go.
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