These last few days have been hard. Making funeral arrangements for a person who isnt dead is hard. Especially when they are your Mother.
My Momma is 57, beautiful and has a mad crush on Matt Good..can you believe that?
My Momma also has terminal breast cancer and will pass away in less then 3 months, the doctors say. She had it almost 4 years ago, in June, and survived it. But this time, its too late. It has spread all over most of her body and she is very sick. Despite all of this, she is happy. She air guitars to Mr. Good's music and talks about her greatest loves, her darkest days and her dreams that never were able to come true and speaks with a sense of awe.
Today we sat in her room, which was the den that has been converted, and talked while I im'd with some new friends.. *loves you all* She was listening to music, most of which is Matt's cause that is what is in my IPOD atm.. and she has stolen it from me. *laughs* She was watching me as I talked to my new friend Kristy about her hearts desire, how at one point I cried for her during this talk. My mother was very still and her voice calm as she said " I am very proud of you. Your a good friend." Then she proceeded to air guitar to Weapon. About a hour or so later, she stopped the IPOD and said to me: I want The Boy Comes Home as the song you will play at my funeral. Now to those that have never heard his music, Matthew Good, then I give some very strong advice, go youtube him and you will see. He is a amazing and very well spoken. His music carries a commanlity that we all can relate to, on some level. For her, this song is about going home.. for her home is Heaven. She has accepted her death and is going towards it with a very measured grace. She had the urge to fight it...but the cancer is bad and causes her a lot pain. So she decided for her own sanity to not get treatment this time. Said she had lived her life and is happy with what has happened. And I sit and write this, I cry. I cry for the beautiful woman who has decided to just embrace the will of God. Even if I dont understand, I respect it.
We hold onto things for such selfish reasons.. we try to change others to suit our will. We change our hair to make ourselves more attractive.. We lose weight cause others think, in our minds, that we are chubby.. etc. But never do we really just let go.
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2 comments:
I am here for you, just as you have been there for me!
Thank you and I am sorry that you must face this.
I cried. :(
I spent 20 years "caring" for my mom and, in her last breaths, I was not there. I'd spent the night with her (until 5 am) and then went home to try and sleep. No one warned me that she was shutting down and this was it. So, when I couldn't sleep, I called my boss, to fill her in. I hadn't missed any time from work (a single mom - I couldn't afford to) - but I knew I might need a few days in the upcoming week. Although my boss is very cold, uncaring, she and I had a nice conversation, that lasted for a long time. But I missed the call because of it. Mom was in a hospice and, while I was on the phone, my sister in law came banging at my front door. I knew.
She rushed me to the hospice, but I was too late. To this day, I can't forgive myself for not being there. But my brother's made it easier...he was there, yet had never been there for Mom in the past. He just said "it was my turn Deb". And I've had to accept that.
It won't get easier so I won't pretend. It gets harder each and every day. But pepole are amazing and will help along the way. If I can help, just email me. Anytime.
I'm 46...I bet I would've just loved your Mom...she sounds so much like me.
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