Being me...

Needless to say that the last 24 hours have been a real blur.

Today, very early, I woke up, despite the fact that I consumed a nice sleeping pill and a glass of scotch with my brother. We sat and talked about Momma for a few hours, he got wasted, and I listened. Its really odd when you see people decide to come around you when someone dies.
People that have not had anything to do with my mother since my stepdad and her divorced over a decade ago, all of sudden want to come and share their *pain* with the whole lot of people who seem to clog every quiet place in your home. My mother would have beat the hell out of half of em.. she was a feisty women. I equate them like ants... they are only there to absorb the attention.

" Oh, I was Atia's sister in law. Yes, she was a wonderful woman, my heart is just breaking."

" Atti was a wonderful cook, she taught me the most wonderful recipes!"

All the time I am trying hard not to beat the shit out of people. Half of them only came cause of the free food and drinks that my dad had catered. The other part, maybe about 15 of them, were really close friends of my mothers. Those that I cant stand, my fathers (step) family really just pissed me off.. They came and looked at the bed she died in, like it was the Hope Diamond, and all the while I am just trying to find a *quiet* place to cry. So I finnaly lost it.

I screamed at the top of my lungs to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE!!!
And it felt good. I pointed at the "sistersinlaws" who scathed my mother in life and NOW decide that she was this wonderful woman. And yelled my questions to them .. WHERE the fuck were you when Wayne cheated on my mother, not once, but TWICE? Where were you when I was raped and afraid and alone? Where were you when my mother and Wayne divorced? Where were you when Christmas after Christmas passed and no card, not a damned thing? Where? You were sitting at home talking shit.. thats where you were. Damned vulutres.

My mothers sisters.. dont get me started on them. What is funny, well not so funny are the asshats who come out of the woodwork, in your family, claiming this undying love for the ones who passed when most of them are full of plain ole shit..They are looking for handmedowns, as is the case with my aunt. I try not to judge.. I try to be a good person and with all that crap that I have dealt with in my life, I think that being a example of grace is what is really needing with the lack of it nowadays.. but I think I am entitled to just break down and really give the ones who deserve my wrath, all of it.

So Mommy, I am sorry. I know that I wanted to make this a celebration of your life, but to be honest I can't celebrate the death of the one person who really loved me, stood by me and understood me.

My mother used to sing this to me during the hardest times in my life...after I was raped, I had horrid nightmares, she would come in and sing this to me, while she brushed the hair from my face..So Momma, although I remembering singing this to you our last night together, I promise to always sing this to my son:


Stevie Nicks - Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You lyrics

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In all your darkest hours
Have you ever heard me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know

Has anyone ever given anything to you
In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I haveI have given that to you
If it's all I ever do
This is your song

And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In your darkest sorrow
Did you ever hear me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know
So, if not for me, then
Do it for yourself
If not for me then
Do it for the world

Poet...priest of nothing
Poet...priest of nothing